drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
