Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
