His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
