I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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