You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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