You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
