I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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