The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
