So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
