I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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