hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
