Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
