I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
