OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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