my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
