Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
