I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
