We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize