Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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