Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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