She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
