ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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