Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I wear drunk well.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize