do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
