I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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