I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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