i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
