Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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