Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
