she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
