Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
