I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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