I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize