I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Randomize
