Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
