I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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