I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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