It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
