dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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