I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
