I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize