Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
