There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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