i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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