hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
