She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
