I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
