If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
