Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just forgot I was standing up.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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