I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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