Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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