So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
40s are totally the cure
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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