I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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