she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
