Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
