Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
