what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
